I have this saying that I’m constantly telling the boys, “I have enough room for everyone.” It’s always about the same thing: sitting on my lap.
Sometimes its when they are crying. Sometimes it’s when they want cuddles. Sometimes its when they want to play. It just feels like I say it all the time and I think I’ve said it from the beginning.
And when I say that little phrase, they crawl into my lap and we all three just sit there. And it often times ends with them toddling away to find something new to get into, but today it didn’t really end. I just sat there and sat there and sat there with both in my lap. And I couldn’t help but think about what I always tell them, “I have enough room for everyone.”
I mean it when I say it now. I truly mean that there is enough room in my lap for both. My lap can hold both of them just fine and they are still small enough that they can fit. But in just three short months I’ll have two more babies who want my lap and my attention. I want to be able to still say what I always say. I want there to truly be enough room for all of them to sit on my lap.
And then I get a little sad because will there really be enough room on my lap just because I really want there to be?
It’s so silly that I’m even writing this because I should be worrying about one million other things. And maybe when I really think about it, I’m actually not worried if there will be enough room in my lap but will there be enough room in my heart?
Before I was pregnant with Heath and Nash, I NEVER understood how mothers could have equal love for their children. I just didn’t see how it was possible to love two or three or more children equally. And then when I found out I was pregnant with twins, my heart swelled so big and I then thought I knew how mommies could have so much love for more than one child. And then the boys were born and my heart swelled so big again, and the love I thought I had for the boys before felt minuscule in comparison to the new love I felt. I loved them so big that I thought my heart could never feel fuller.
As some of my friends have been expecting their second child, I’ve heard them say that they fear that they won’t have enough room in their hearts to love their second child just as much as their first. Then I, with all of my mom wisdom (just kidding, only 13 months strong here…), tell them, “Your heart just grows.”
I still don’t know if I am wondering about my lap or my heart, but either way I know that my heart will swell so big again. It’s already grown so much bigger since I found out I was expecting. I love them so much already…
So maybe there won’t be enough room in my lap for everyone. I’ll keep you posted on that one. But my heart will have enough room. And it’s gonna be the fullest little heart you’ve ever seen.