Infertility: the cruel word that affects so many affected us.
As I sat in his office, I knew that I had to trust my doctor because it sounded like there was no way to get pregnant “on my own”. I knew it was possible with the PCOS diagnosis I received just a few years prior, but it still was not easy to hear. He reassured me that I would be pregnant, and his optimism helped me see the light. He referred me to an endocrinologist and explained that it is very difficult to get pregnant when the thyroid levels are out of whack, as mine were. He also explained that since my body was not ovulating, he would like me to go on medication to hopefully start the process of ovulation.
I’ve never been big on taking medicine, even little things like tylenol or advil, so I especially didn’t want to rely on anything that could alter my body in such a huge way, but I realized that I needed to trust the medical professionals because it was likely the only way that I was going to get pregnant.
Over the course of two months, I met with my endocrinologist to get my thyroid numbers in a normal range for optimal ovulation and just to make my body healthy. Once the numbers were normal, it was amazing how much more energy I had and how immediately the exhaustion was gone! After two months of figuring out my thyroid levels, Brian and I were at 10 months from the time that we decided to start a family. And this was the exact time that I started seeing my doctor again to put me on medicine for ovulation.
He told us that it could take a while…
The first month I was optimistic, but there was no ovulation. No baby.
The second month I was still optimistic, but there was no ovulation. No baby.
This was such a difficult waiting game. I would get my blood drawn to test the levels for ovulation. I would wait until the next day, which seemed like an eternity and approximately 24990695774 hours, to call into the doctors office. It was extremely difficult to not only wait, but also be told time after time that my body was. not. working.
During this time I was in the praise band at our church and we started singing this song that carried me through my entire time of waiting and disappointment.
Several of my friends were pregnant during this time, and it was so difficult. I was so happy for them and their own journeys but I always felt a pang of hurt wondering when it would happen for me. I finally got the point where I told God that I was okay if this wasn’t His plan for me. I wanted children more than anything, but if he didn’t want it for me, then I didn’t want it for me either. It was hard to tell Him that. It was hard to get the words to come out of my mouth, but I wanted what HE wanted for me. I didn’t want to be selfish and continue to ask Him for something that maybe was not His will for me.
The third month I lost some optimism, and my precious doctor explained that if I didn’t ovulate this month that he would be referring me to a specialist. I sat in my car and wept after this appointment as I poured out my heart to God. I read Psalm 145 aloud to Him and confessed that I wanted this more than anything, but only if He wanted it for me.
It was finally time to call to see if I ovulated. I held onto every ounce of hope that I could muster. I remember I was in my classroom early that morning to get some work done. I shut the door and I called into the office to check to see if I ovulated. AND I DID!!!!!! Praise God!! I started taking a pregnancy test the very next day. I was just so excited. I knew nothing would show up, but seriously, why wait when something so exciting could be on that little stick!
Eventually I got a faint pink line. Day after day the line got a little darker and darker until finally it was a beautiful hot pink. I screamed, fell to my knees, and wept tears of joy. After over a year of trying, we were finally pregnant!!!!
We got the test confirmed by the doctor and the blood levels were good. I scheduled my first appointment and ultrasound, and we were on our way. Our first baby! Finally! The baby we had prayed for for so long. We drove to our first appointment SO giddy! We were laughing the entire car ride and in the waiting room. We just could not contain our joy. We got into the ultrasound room and prepared to see our sweet blessing.
The ultrasound technician quietly explained that there was not a heartbeat.
What? We had prayed for this baby. We had so much trouble getting to this point, so why would God give and then take this away from us? We wanted this baby! What did she mean that there wasn’t a heartbeat?
The moment was such a blur. My happiness sunk into the pit of my stomach. It felt horrible knowing that I was carrying a sweet, precious life inside that was actually no longer living. My doctor explained to us that sometimes this happens and that my body would soon miscarry the baby or I could have a D&C to remove everything since the baby was no longer alive. I chose the latter.
Oh the pain I felt that night.
Oh the pain to lie in bed and know that my baby was gone so quickly.
Oh the pain my heart felt as it broke so many times thinking about the precious life I would never get to hold in my arms. I cried so many tears thinking that I didn’t want any other baby but the precious life that He had already given and so quickly taken from me.
Oh the pain I felt coming out of the surgery knowing that my baby was no longer there. This life was so fleeting, and my hope of having a child felt so distant. I felt so distant. Utterly sad.
Blessed be the Name was the song that spoke to my heart during my entire infertility struggle. And I couldn’t help but hold onto the part of the song:
|B and I took a weekend trip to mourn the loss of our baby|
And it was so true. He gave me the child I longed for, but he also took this child away from me. It hurt so bad, and I didn’t understand any of it. Why would I struggle, struggle, struggle getting pregnant and then finally conceive a precious life and then have this baby taken away? I will never know, but He was good through all of it. I chose to praise Him every second because my pain was real and raw and He was the only thing that could heal my heart.
Despite all of our hurt, we ignored the doctors advice to wait several more months to try again for the baby that we longed for.