Sometimes I am a little apprehensive to be so vulnerable, to put my heart out in the open for others to read. But then the Lord gently reminds me that this is not my story, that it is His that He gave and provided me. Sometimes I am apprehensive to share so details of Elle and Emery’s birth and delivery because these details are also part of Emery’s life story and ultimately, part of her story to tell if she desires to do so. There are parts that will remain private, but there are also parts that should be told.
It has been one year + a day since we buried Elle. It has also been one year today since we brought Emery home from the NICU after a fifty-three day stay. The timing of Elle’s burial and Emery’s coming home always takes my breath away because His timing is truly perfect and divine. By bringing Emery home from the hospital the day after burying our heavenly girl, it was a relieving balm for our hurting hearts.
After having trouble concieving our boys, we never thought we would be able to conceive easily, so we just went on our merry way until one day in May (the boys were just eight months), I thought that I should take a pregnancy test because I just felt a little different. And bam! There they were, those two pink lines that I yearned to see with the boys appeared so easily this time. After several weeks I began bleeding and Brian and I just knew that I was having another miscarriage. The bleeding was very intense, so we decided to call the doctor and he told us to go to the ER. There we found out that our blessed surprise the Lord gave us was not just one baby, but surprise, TWO.
You guys, that is forever amazing to me! That we would have trouble conceiving, the Lord would give us twin baby boys, then after not even discussing trying to conceive again, He so graciously gave us TWO more blessings?! I just get chills when I think of it.
So, THAT is a huge miracle! Then to learn after we lost Elle at 29 weeks that Emery was still alive, when most identical twins who pass away in-utero, pass together. THAT is a miracle! I am sure if some heard this story, they would try to explain aspects of it with scientific facts and reasoning or try to say that these pregnancies and births were just a coincidence, but Brian and I know how truly amazing and personal these things are. They are directly from our Lord, the giver and perfecter of everything.
When we finally welcomed Emery into the world, she was such a breath of fresh air. No, we couldn’t hold her much because it was imperative that her body temperature remained steady. When we could hold her, it was only for small increments of time with lots of tubes, cords, monitors, and nurse help.
God carried us through the grief of losing Elle and the grief of a NICU stay. He alone carried us when we had no strength left, no energy left for our hour drive home, no courage to hold it together when our hearts yearned for all of our babies to be safely in our arms.
This day is a celebration!
This day is a celebration because one in ten premature babies will develop a permanent disability such as lung disease, cerebral palsy, blindness or deafness. And Emery does not have any of that.
This day is a celebration because in the scientific world, she just should not be here, but she is.
This day is a celebration because of the beautiful nurses, doctors, dietitians, lactation consultants, social workers, hospital chaplains, respiratory therapists, and occupational therapists who had the knowledge and patience to guide us through the hardest season of our lives- sometimes holding our hands and wiping our tears, but always caring for our tiny miracle.
This day is a celebration because of our Lord.
Emery is here not because of us or because of anything we did.
Emery is here because of Him. Because it was His will for her. Because He is a good God. Because He writes the best stories.
And just to be clear, let me also say that Elle is not here not because of us, not because of anything we did or didn’t do, not because of our lack of prayers, not because of any unbelief.
Elle is not here because of Him. Because it was His will for her. Because He is a good God. Because He writes the best stories.
Oh, sweet friend, if I could just have you take one thing away from this, it is that He is so good, so faithful. I need everyone who ever comes in contact with this blog to know that He is good a l w a y s.
And if it is His will to take any of my sweet, precious children away from me again, before He calls me home, He will still be good. He will still be Lord of my life.
Is it hard to write that out? Absolutely, but this is not my story. It is His. And although I have anxiety attacks and moments where I lay awake in my bed drenched in sweat and fear that He may take another child away from me, I need you to know that He remains steadfast.
And on this day of celebration, I am shouting it from the rooftops, that:
My God is good! He reigns! I worship Him not only because of who we hold in our arms but also because of who He holds in His arms.
A psalm. For giving grateful praise.
1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
2 Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
And our Emery girl is here, she is alive, she is sweet as sugar, and we love her so.
Emery, you precious darling, we love you more than words could ever express.
Fun facts about our girl one year after her coming home:
She is sixteen pounds and twenty-seven inches long. When she came home from the NICU she weighed 4 lbs 8 oz. When she was born she weighed 2 lbs 8 oz.
She prefers to drag one leg and scoot with the other— we call it her pirate walk, but she is nearly walking. Today she took ||s i x|| real steps all on her own!
She is just three weeks away from being one year-adjusted.
She says: up, cup, hat, dada, buh-bye, thank-you, and bible; but she does not say mama yet!
She is still breastfeeding, which is another true gift from the Father.
She is a daredevil. We never wonder where she learns her tricks.
She loves to pray and excitedly claps her hands and then clasp them together anytime we pray. It’s pretty sweet.
Thankful for you, sweet Bunny!